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I'm not doing this shit anymore. No longer am I going to pine for a shadow that doesn't exist. Fuck this. Send me back to my blood dreams with ex. Send me back to tormenting me every night in my dreams. Send me to hell. Just stop playing these stupid ass games with me. I am not your pawn. I am not a person you want to be fucking with. Eventually the black stitch across my heart is going to take over sewing my heart completely shut. Then we will shall see what becomes of you. I let it go on for too long. But my patience is running out and my temper is flaring. I would advise you to go play with someone else before you fuck up royally and there is no saving you. There is a reason why I am alone. There is a reason why everyone keeps running away from me. I've learned to accept the fact I have no soul and am a monster. Question is, can you stop playing your game before it's too late? Either commit or get the fuck out of my life. I've already had my fair share of broken promises, I don't need yours as well. This is my one and only warning to you. Be careful with toying with my heart. It's already pretty small and fragile as it is. As each day passes I find myself sinking further and further into the darkness in which I can not escape. My very existence feels like it's contorting and shaping to an abyss. I've been past rock bottom for so long and people keep disappointing and hurting me. I can't seem to get out of survival mode. I am doing what I need to do to keep surviving. Not for me. but for her. She is all I have left in this dammed world. When there isn't much else to lose, a person can fade into the shadows and no one would notice. Like my brother said I am a master at covering up my true feelings. But right now, my true feelings are frustration and anger. I'm giving you until Valentine's day. make your choice otherwise I will make it for you. and you won't like what I choose.

What the fuck. How did I fall for it again? I gotta figure out some things. Feb 13 is my court date and hopefully I can put my latest disaster for love behind me. Sigh. It's not even here and I'm ready for Valentine's Day to get the fuck over with.

I stayed strong today kept busy. Progress. Today was a decent day

My head hurts. Last night I broke ten years sobriety. I didn't drink much but that's really not the point. I've been dealing with so much crap here lately I feel like I'm spiraling. Hopefully soon I can land a job and it will help establish my focus. I'm trying to stay socially active and not shut down. I am lurking around not really saying much to anyone. I’m trying to look out for me and be a better person. I can’t believe I have been such an idiot. Where was my training when I was chasing after Mr heartbreak? Why did I give in? Now I’left with trying to freeze my heart again. It was beating like a normal heart again for once I felt normal and that things were going to get better. Back to survival mode back to not letting anyone in or trusting anyone. Back to basics.

So many lies. I am mystified. After another round of lies I decided I am better than that. I blocked mr heartbreak I blocked mr dumb d. I have to grow up. I hate the fact that I have to do this. Life isn't designed to be easy. Something is bound to give here.

Turns out it was never with a dollop of bullshit.

Today is the final chance. I literally put everything on the table. Now or never. Of it doesn't go right heaven help this world......

I took a very long walk today trying to clear my head. Nothing makes sense anymore. I thought about the letters from ex that appeared on my thumb drive. I just bought it last year so there could be no way of me saving it since ex and I haven't spoken for years now. I thought about Mr. Heartbreak and how I know better than pursue him. He doesn't love or care about me, so why should I? Talking to him is giving him permission to treat me like nothing. Even though I am depressed as hell today I am not not nothing. I thought about both sob's and all the pain and abuse I've endured. I thought my goals in life and what I should do next. I thought until my head hurt, I was crying and it started to rain. I walked like six miles today without even thinking about it. I came up with no solutions. I came up with nothing but doubts. Mr A. Tried to cheer me up and I lashed out at him. I wasn't trying to, I was merely trying to make a point that I'm going to end up alone. Love doesn't exist. It's all lies to blind someone that they are happy and we aren't in hell.

I didn't break down today. But I feel empty and not really strong. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've decided that I am strong enough to walk away I will not break down again.

I need more Conversations I need more people other than Mr heartbreak to text me. I want to matter and be important

Ugh I woke up with a massive migraine from hell.

Ugh that damn glitch popped up. I was goi g through my old flash drives and found a couple messages from ex. I really don't remember saving the particular messages to be honest. They weren't important just him saying he reads a ton when he had free time. He was a great conversationlist. Anyways no use pinning over the past. I started texting Mr heartbreak again. I don't really believe anything said too many excuses. I enjoy the conversation. I'm lonely. I mean yes I have friends and I talk to them. It's not really the same. I started talking to Mr L. He doesn't really pay attention to anything I say. I don't feel any connection with him. I stopped joining online dating sites. None of them found me a match. It's pretty depressing. There is no one here in this god forsaken town. I have tried to just give up entirely, but something in me continues to drive me. I really hate being single bit I'm getting tired with dating scene. I can't use someone just for sex I'm not that type of gal. I want to sow some wild oats I'm just not that wild I suppose. I started writing again trying to throw myself into one project after another. It's not really helping.

I have a bad feeling about this...

Still don't believe anything you say although I want to.

Fuck it. I finished my story and I feel better. I've decided not to indulge make the chase be about me lol.

Wtf? Do I answer back or just ignore it? I'm so confused. I want to but then again I don't. It's only a game. Lol. It's not real.

Damn my date got cancelled due to the ice storm. Lol hopefully this weekend. Fingers crossed

I am preparing for the first nice ice storm to hit the first one of this year. I'm excited. I'm hoping for destruction and utter chaos.. I started a writing a new story. It's making me feel a little bit better I suppose. I got to do something I fear I'm dead inside and going crazy

I sent mr heartbreak a message yesterday calling everything quits. Too little too late. He was never there just a pile of excuses that all lead to lies further on down the road. I found me another date. He was funny and made me laugh only to say he was hung up on his ex. Blah whatever. I found another one that I am supposed to go on with tonight. Deep inside I know he isn't Mr right but Mr Right now. I don't even know if I should go. Then I dreamt of Mr heartbreak. We were like this couple that one can only read about and we were taking a trip together. It irritated me. He had his chance that I wasn't good enough for. He shouldn't be getting any more attention from my mind dreams or heart. I feel like this dating thing is hopeless. I've run into afew snags with my divorce. It's taking longer than expected. I so can't wait. I never dream of him even though I was with him for nine years. But I a guy I started to talk to four months ago and never showed up for a single date is really twisting everything up. I don't get it. My date for the night is making excuses already is becoming a little more annoying. I don't think there is anyone left in this world who can withstand the storm that is me. I thought about falling completely off the grid. Only come on here and talk but to the rest of the world just disappear.

Oh I pissed you off? Good. I hope it hurts

Lesson learned

All men are pigs.

See you are a fucking moron to think you can lie to me and use me as a pawn. You sorry piece of shit. Haven't you figured out anything? Oh you are so going to pay. And guess what I don't care. My heart is black and cold. Fuck you enjoy your hell!

I'm nervous about tomorrow.... I just want it over with

3 days. I've got 3 days coming full of stress and worry. It's going to be a rough3 days. Hopefully the results are what I am hoping for.

What a horrible nightmare. I mean granted I am happy I am dreaming again but really? It put me in a mood all day.

I haven't texted Mr heartbreak at all today. It's been extremely hard but I have to remind myself he walked away, he never showed. It's his loss. I didn't need him I wanted him, but at the same time I wanted something real. I did manage to score myself a date by accident. I had a blast. The only thing is, is I don't have my own place which is making rendezvous hard at the moment.

I finally got a new project to sink my mind into. :)

So exhausted. Another nightmare but it was filled with every day stresses. Nothing good. But now I'm exhausted. My phone will be turned off today. Unemployment hasn't paid me so yes I have a dollar to my name. :(

I actually had a nightmare this morning. It had been so long since I dreamed of anything. I actually missed them.

I will not cave. I will ignore the urge. I'm strong. I gotta go busy myself.

What's the matter with me? Sigh. I must have fallen too hard. Now what

2017.

Wow this had better be a better year for me. I caved again got stood up again walked away. I'm just going to focus on sorting things out in my life. Fuck love. I'll manage being alone. I don't particularly need someone. I just wanted. But that's all in 2016. I'm starting this year positive